Klaeyton goes to "school" three days a week, Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. He started early February and I must say it's never been easy to leave him screaming and crying while clutching his stuffed dog and whacking the teachers in the face because he wants his mommy. I've walked out numerous times feeling extremely guilty and worried that I'm a horrible mom. And as the time has gone on it hasn't gotten any easier...but yesterday things changed...just a little.
In the mornings, when Klaeyton gets up he gets a cup of juice and a Shrek fix while I wake Matt up so that I can take a shower without a little face throwing open the shower curtain yelling, "Muwhahah!" Normally I can tell within the first five minutes of awake time how cooperative Klaeyton will be for the day. Yesterday...it was a little rough. I had a dreaded feeling about dropping him off especially since he didn't go Friday because Daddy wanted some quality one on one time. :)
Anywho, we proceeded through our morning routine (which I will tell the story of another time) and trucked it to school. I've started letting Klaeyton walk by himself all the way into the center. And yesterday he even held my hand until we got to the front doors. He stumbles through like he owns the place as we say, "Good Morning" to some of the staff. We make it to his classroom and Klaeyton goes straight to his cubby and starts pulling at his jacket because he knows we have to hang it up. He asks for his dog as I am already pulling it out of his bag. As he snatches it away from me, he's already heading to the gate. I pick him up, give him a big kiss and set him down on the other side. Now normally, this is when the tears begin the flow and the teachers begin the consoling, well... I find that as I'm signing him in, I hear nothing. I look over, and there's Klaeyton still holding his dog but instead of screaming, he's just looking at me thoughtfully. My first thought is to just run so that maybe I could get out of there before he starts crying so that I won't have to have that guilt feeling shoot through me. But I know that isn't fair to Klaeyton, so instead I bend down, kiss his forehead and wave Goodbye. My insides are just waiting for his screeches and that wave of dread, but it never comes. Klaeyton waves and for a second I think my feet are glued to the floor. My baby no longer cares if I leave. He is ok. He doesn't need me. And I walk out, tears flowing with a new feeling of dread. A new feeling of guilt. Yeah, I am relieved, but my motherly instinct wants to run back in and grab him up. Not because he needs me, but because I need him. I make it my car and take a deep breath. I normally tell myself, "Alli, he will be ok" but this time I hear myself saying, "Alli, YOU will be ok." oh the joy of being an ordinary mom.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Lost and Found
Do you ever just feel really lost? I think lately I've felt more lost yet more found than ever. I know that doesn.t make a whole lot of sense but it.s like this...I.m going to be 25 this year. Old. yes I know that isn.t terribly old but it.s high enough to make me feel old. and I feel like I have no idea what I.m supposed to be doing career wise. I.m starting to despise my job more and more. Don.t get me wrong though...I.m more than grateful to even have a job but I feel like I.m not really doing anything worth while.
But every morning when I.m sitting at the computer and I hear, "Ma-Ma" I get this unexplainable giddyness in my stomach. I go into Klaeyton.s room to find him standing in his crib clutching his stuffed dog yelling "Ma-Ma! Ma-Ma!" When I lift him up it.s like getting the first whiff of coffee when you wake up in the morning, or the first time you hear birds chirping in Spring. It's relieving and comforting. Comfortable. That.s the perfect word to describe it. Found. I feel found. Oh the joy of being an ordinary mom.
But every morning when I.m sitting at the computer and I hear, "Ma-Ma" I get this unexplainable giddyness in my stomach. I go into Klaeyton.s room to find him standing in his crib clutching his stuffed dog yelling "Ma-Ma! Ma-Ma!" When I lift him up it.s like getting the first whiff of coffee when you wake up in the morning, or the first time you hear birds chirping in Spring. It's relieving and comforting. Comfortable. That.s the perfect word to describe it. Found. I feel found. Oh the joy of being an ordinary mom.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Klaeyton and Grammy
I was able to spend some much needed time with my mom yesterday. It was just a bad day all around. I called her when I picked Klaeyton up and she said she would be at our house in forty-five minutes. When I got home I went through my oh so usual routine of straightening up, putting K in some comfy clothes, getting him yet another snack and something to drink and settling into the lazy boy for a few to catch up on the words with friends game that I am surely addicted to.
Klaeyton is standing in front of the tv intently watching Shrek for the billionth time when Grammy gently knocks at the door, I yell "Come In" and she pushes the door open ready to tackle Klaeyton with the infamous Grammy hugs. Klaeyton books it to my leg and sticks there, clawing at my shirt for me to pick him up.
Klaeyton loves Grammy, but you see he thinks I'm going to leave him so he's determined to not let me go all while enjoying the spoils of Grammy being over. He succeeded for most of the time, however once he knew I wasn't going anywhere he eased up a bit. He showed Grammy his balloon, gave her hugs, showed her how he laughs at Jasey for no apparent reason other than that she looks funny to him and the best part....he made Grammy smile on a day when the prospect of smiling was very very bleak. Oh the joy of being an ordinary mom.
Klaeyton is standing in front of the tv intently watching Shrek for the billionth time when Grammy gently knocks at the door, I yell "Come In" and she pushes the door open ready to tackle Klaeyton with the infamous Grammy hugs. Klaeyton books it to my leg and sticks there, clawing at my shirt for me to pick him up.
Klaeyton loves Grammy, but you see he thinks I'm going to leave him so he's determined to not let me go all while enjoying the spoils of Grammy being over. He succeeded for most of the time, however once he knew I wasn't going anywhere he eased up a bit. He showed Grammy his balloon, gave her hugs, showed her how he laughs at Jasey for no apparent reason other than that she looks funny to him and the best part....he made Grammy smile on a day when the prospect of smiling was very very bleak. Oh the joy of being an ordinary mom.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Our Bedtime Routine
Klaeyton and I have become accustomed to a certain bedtime routine and it goes a little something like this:
We start with the cleanup song. You all know this one. I sing "clean up clean up everybody everywhere clean up clean up everybody do your share" as I scurry around K's room putting books on the shelf, blocks in their specific bins, toys in the toybox and everything in it's proper place only to turn around and see Klaeyton staring at me like I'm some sort of nut job. Which I'm sure if I could see myself through his tiny blue eyes, I would think the same thing. Oh but moving on...
We proceed to "baff" time, opened with the "baffy dance" which entails screaming "baffy baffy baff-y" while doing a series of body convulsions in the place of actual dance moves...all the way into the bathroom. Once we are there, Klaeyton pulls at his clothes ready to get naked.
Now I'm not sure if there's something in the water or what but bath time= laugh time for Klaeyton. Whether it's splashing or hearing the pop when you slam a cup into water he's always laughing his head off. I can't help but smile and laugh with him. The stress of the day seems to just melt away.
"Stand on the frog please" I tell klaeyton as I reach for a towel. "Boom!" goes klaeyton on the bathroom floor as he tries to run away soaking wet and naked. I hold back a laugh as he looks at me and tries to book it again as I capture him in his yellow bath towel.
"Plop!" goes klaeyton on the couch for a diaper. "Jammie time" I say in my best MC Hammer voice as he kicks and squirms as I attempt to dress him. Sometimes I'll sneak a raspberry on his belly just to hear him giggle. But if I don't take the necessary precautionary measures I'll end up with a foot in the eye before I can even make it there.
"Ouch!" I say as Klaeyton whacks me in the head with his brush. But a deal is a deal. I won't brush his hair until he tries to brush mine. I finally get his comb over on (yes right now he has a comb over until I get around to getting him a hair cut) and say "Ok Klaeyton let's go brush your teeth." Before I even get the full sentence out he's running/tripping into the bathroom picking up his stool himself, placing it perfectly in front of the sink and is looking at me with his mouth wide open. How did my little man become so self sufficient already? He thinks it's cool to catch the water as it comes out of the faucet as I wet his toothbrush and tell him to open up. Wait his mouth is already wide open. Duh. I sing "brush brush brush" and then let him have a go. After prying the toothbrush out of his hand and slinging him on my hip I'm reminded that we're almost done.
I let Klaeyton pick out the book. Who says quack? Am I surprised? Not really. Klaeyton used to let me read to him but now he insists on not letting me touch the book as he opens to the page with the dog on it and yells Dog! over and over for what seems like an obscene amount of time. After forcing him to give up the book by distracting him with a goodnight gesture to the real dog in the house, I set up his music and let him turn out the light. I ask for a night night kiss and as Klaeyton open mouths my face I snuggle into him and pray out loud for the both of us. I put him in his crib and even as he protests I tell him I love him as I close the door.
I take a deep breath. All I can hear is the lullaby music. My baby is another day older. Oh the joy of being an ordinary mom.
We start with the cleanup song. You all know this one. I sing "clean up clean up everybody everywhere clean up clean up everybody do your share" as I scurry around K's room putting books on the shelf, blocks in their specific bins, toys in the toybox and everything in it's proper place only to turn around and see Klaeyton staring at me like I'm some sort of nut job. Which I'm sure if I could see myself through his tiny blue eyes, I would think the same thing. Oh but moving on...
We proceed to "baff" time, opened with the "baffy dance" which entails screaming "baffy baffy baff-y" while doing a series of body convulsions in the place of actual dance moves...all the way into the bathroom. Once we are there, Klaeyton pulls at his clothes ready to get naked.
Now I'm not sure if there's something in the water or what but bath time= laugh time for Klaeyton. Whether it's splashing or hearing the pop when you slam a cup into water he's always laughing his head off. I can't help but smile and laugh with him. The stress of the day seems to just melt away.
"Stand on the frog please" I tell klaeyton as I reach for a towel. "Boom!" goes klaeyton on the bathroom floor as he tries to run away soaking wet and naked. I hold back a laugh as he looks at me and tries to book it again as I capture him in his yellow bath towel.
"Plop!" goes klaeyton on the couch for a diaper. "Jammie time" I say in my best MC Hammer voice as he kicks and squirms as I attempt to dress him. Sometimes I'll sneak a raspberry on his belly just to hear him giggle. But if I don't take the necessary precautionary measures I'll end up with a foot in the eye before I can even make it there.
"Ouch!" I say as Klaeyton whacks me in the head with his brush. But a deal is a deal. I won't brush his hair until he tries to brush mine. I finally get his comb over on (yes right now he has a comb over until I get around to getting him a hair cut) and say "Ok Klaeyton let's go brush your teeth." Before I even get the full sentence out he's running/tripping into the bathroom picking up his stool himself, placing it perfectly in front of the sink and is looking at me with his mouth wide open. How did my little man become so self sufficient already? He thinks it's cool to catch the water as it comes out of the faucet as I wet his toothbrush and tell him to open up. Wait his mouth is already wide open. Duh. I sing "brush brush brush" and then let him have a go. After prying the toothbrush out of his hand and slinging him on my hip I'm reminded that we're almost done.
I let Klaeyton pick out the book. Who says quack? Am I surprised? Not really. Klaeyton used to let me read to him but now he insists on not letting me touch the book as he opens to the page with the dog on it and yells Dog! over and over for what seems like an obscene amount of time. After forcing him to give up the book by distracting him with a goodnight gesture to the real dog in the house, I set up his music and let him turn out the light. I ask for a night night kiss and as Klaeyton open mouths my face I snuggle into him and pray out loud for the both of us. I put him in his crib and even as he protests I tell him I love him as I close the door.
I take a deep breath. All I can hear is the lullaby music. My baby is another day older. Oh the joy of being an ordinary mom.
Five Iron Frenzy
I have a feeling there will be quite a few blogging moments today. Mainly because the weather is so cruddy and I don't have a whole lot of pressing things on my to-do list. Which I must say is a rare occurrence, so I plan on enjoying this fulfilling day of doing nothing of great importance.
I am currently sitting on my couch laughing as Klaeyton runs around slamming doors as Matt sits in the lazy boy with a cup of coffee as the new Five Iron Frenzy dvd plays in the background. You see, Klaeyton has this newfound obsession with concert dvd's. It all began with the Something Corporate one Matt has and is now evolving to the various other ones we now own including Yellowcard, AFI and now the brand new Five Iron Frenzy one. Which I will admit, I have seen bits and pieces of and actually like. He runs around yelling and flaying his arms about while stopping every once in awhile to stomp his feet and clap his hands in time with the music.
Yesterday the music teacher at Klaeyton's daycare stopped me on my way out the door. She said he would clap and stomp in beat with the music and asked if he did this regularly at home. I just smiled and shook my head. I was thinking to myself...that boy is definitely a Harden. Oh the joy of being an ordinary mom.
I am currently sitting on my couch laughing as Klaeyton runs around slamming doors as Matt sits in the lazy boy with a cup of coffee as the new Five Iron Frenzy dvd plays in the background. You see, Klaeyton has this newfound obsession with concert dvd's. It all began with the Something Corporate one Matt has and is now evolving to the various other ones we now own including Yellowcard, AFI and now the brand new Five Iron Frenzy one. Which I will admit, I have seen bits and pieces of and actually like. He runs around yelling and flaying his arms about while stopping every once in awhile to stomp his feet and clap his hands in time with the music.
Yesterday the music teacher at Klaeyton's daycare stopped me on my way out the door. She said he would clap and stomp in beat with the music and asked if he did this regularly at home. I just smiled and shook my head. I was thinking to myself...that boy is definitely a Harden. Oh the joy of being an ordinary mom.
The Beginning of Something New
Good Morning. I've already been working on this blog for a total of two minutes and this is all I have written. Why? Because I currently have an almost 18 month-old clawing at the sleeve of my robe because he wants to sit in my lap and bang on the keyboard of the macbook. But even yet, he still isn't happy. I think that if toddler tantrums weren't so funny sometimes, life would be a lot harder on all of us. I've read all about these tantrums; how to diffuse them, prevent them and to ultimately live through them but so far nothing stated that asking Klaeyton to give me a bite of his "gook" would bring a huge smile to his face and immediately shut down the raging caveman behind his cute little snotty nose. Oh the joy of being an ordinary mom.
I really have no idea what inspired me to begin this blog. But maybe it's my lack of direction lately. I think putting some things on paper (or the internet :) might make me feel a little less lost. The truth is I love being a mom more than anything but I know that if I was with Klaeyton 24 hours a day 7 days a week I would go absolutely bonkers, therefore I feel the need to have a "side job" next to being a mommy. The problem? I have little to no clue what that should be. I am currently serving at Red Lobster, which is ok for the time being, but I can't see myself there 5 years from now. So I am hoping that sharing my struggle to find the other quarter of me will make the journey less excruciating.
Another hard lesson for Klaeyton this morning: putting the bowl in my hands and signing please does not guarantee more raisins after he fed the last bowl to Jasey. So instead of a tantrum he storms off, throws his bowl in the trash and mopes into the living room to watch more Shrek. Oh the joy of being an ordinary mom.
I really have no idea what inspired me to begin this blog. But maybe it's my lack of direction lately. I think putting some things on paper (or the internet :) might make me feel a little less lost. The truth is I love being a mom more than anything but I know that if I was with Klaeyton 24 hours a day 7 days a week I would go absolutely bonkers, therefore I feel the need to have a "side job" next to being a mommy. The problem? I have little to no clue what that should be. I am currently serving at Red Lobster, which is ok for the time being, but I can't see myself there 5 years from now. So I am hoping that sharing my struggle to find the other quarter of me will make the journey less excruciating.
Another hard lesson for Klaeyton this morning: putting the bowl in my hands and signing please does not guarantee more raisins after he fed the last bowl to Jasey. So instead of a tantrum he storms off, throws his bowl in the trash and mopes into the living room to watch more Shrek. Oh the joy of being an ordinary mom.
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