Klaeyton goes to "school" three days a week, Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. He started early February and I must say it's never been easy to leave him screaming and crying while clutching his stuffed dog and whacking the teachers in the face because he wants his mommy. I've walked out numerous times feeling extremely guilty and worried that I'm a horrible mom. And as the time has gone on it hasn't gotten any easier...but yesterday things changed...just a little.
In the mornings, when Klaeyton gets up he gets a cup of juice and a Shrek fix while I wake Matt up so that I can take a shower without a little face throwing open the shower curtain yelling, "Muwhahah!" Normally I can tell within the first five minutes of awake time how cooperative Klaeyton will be for the day. Yesterday...it was a little rough. I had a dreaded feeling about dropping him off especially since he didn't go Friday because Daddy wanted some quality one on one time. :)
Anywho, we proceeded through our morning routine (which I will tell the story of another time) and trucked it to school. I've started letting Klaeyton walk by himself all the way into the center. And yesterday he even held my hand until we got to the front doors. He stumbles through like he owns the place as we say, "Good Morning" to some of the staff. We make it to his classroom and Klaeyton goes straight to his cubby and starts pulling at his jacket because he knows we have to hang it up. He asks for his dog as I am already pulling it out of his bag. As he snatches it away from me, he's already heading to the gate. I pick him up, give him a big kiss and set him down on the other side. Now normally, this is when the tears begin the flow and the teachers begin the consoling, well... I find that as I'm signing him in, I hear nothing. I look over, and there's Klaeyton still holding his dog but instead of screaming, he's just looking at me thoughtfully. My first thought is to just run so that maybe I could get out of there before he starts crying so that I won't have to have that guilt feeling shoot through me. But I know that isn't fair to Klaeyton, so instead I bend down, kiss his forehead and wave Goodbye. My insides are just waiting for his screeches and that wave of dread, but it never comes. Klaeyton waves and for a second I think my feet are glued to the floor. My baby no longer cares if I leave. He is ok. He doesn't need me. And I walk out, tears flowing with a new feeling of dread. A new feeling of guilt. Yeah, I am relieved, but my motherly instinct wants to run back in and grab him up. Not because he needs me, but because I need him. I make it my car and take a deep breath. I normally tell myself, "Alli, he will be ok" but this time I hear myself saying, "Alli, YOU will be ok." oh the joy of being an ordinary mom.